Emotional Regulation in a Dysregulated World

“If you feel anxious all the time… it might not be you.
It might be the world your nervous system is trying to survive in.”

In this episode of Psychology & the Soul™, we explore what it means to live in a world that never turns off — and how constant information, pressure, and uncertainty are impacting your nervous system in real time.

You’re not broken.
You’re responding.

We are living in a time of global dysregulation — where anxiety, overwhelm, burnout, and emotional shutdown are becoming the norm. But what many people don’t realize is that these are not personality flaws… they are nervous system responses.

Hosted by Kellee White, LMFT, and Dr. Shirley Impellizzeri, PhD, this episode breaks down:

✨ What emotional regulation actually is
✨ How the nervous system responds to stress (fight, flight, freeze)
✨ Why anxiety is increasing in today’s world
✨ The impact of fear-based media and constant stimulation
✨ How to tell what you’re feeling is yours — and what isn’t
✨ Science-backed tools to regulate your nervous system
✨ Mindfulness practices grounded in psychology and awareness

You’ll also learn simple, practical techniques you can use immediately to come back to center — including breathwork, grounding, emotional labeling, and awareness-based practices.

This episode is not about fixing yourself.
It’s about understanding what your body is trying to tell you.

So if you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or shut down…

Pause.
Take a breath.
And ask yourself:

“Is this mine… or am I carrying more than I need to?”

#PsychologyAndTheSoul #EmotionalRegulation #AnxietyRelief #MentalHealthAwareness #NervousSystem #Mindfulness #TraumaInformed #ConsciousAwareness #HealingJourney #Podcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Well, hi everybody.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

It's spiritual media, I'm Kelly White, and I'm also a psychotherapist. Hi, everyone. I'm Dr. Shirley Pelizari. I'm a psychologist, and welcome to Psychology in the Soul.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

We're so glad you're joining us today. How are you doing tonight, Shirley? I'm doing well. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Yeah. The weather's not great here in LA, but I'm not complaining because it's LA. Right.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

Exactly. And here it's actually kind of lovely, but a lot of rain, but it's kind of lovely. We're, you know, actually moving into spring, which I'm so excited about. Yeah. Shirley, we have a really interesting topic tonight because we sure do. So many people have commented on feeling uh dysregulated at this where we are at this time on earth. There's a lot of emotional um dysregulation. And so I thought we would talk about tonight. We're going to talk about emotional regulation, how to be regulated in a really dysregulated world.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Yeah, it's so it's so necessary and so important to have tools. Not going to take away the dysregulation because we're living it. And you may also be going through something personal that's causing dysregulation. But important to have tools to give the nervous system and yourself, your mind and body, a break. Right.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

Absolutely. So we are living in a time where surely the world feels loud and fast and uncertain. And for many people, it's what you just said. I mean, it's it's if we just take the everything that's going on in the world and then add our own personal problems to this, it's not just stressful, but frankly, it's overwhelming. And what we're seeing right now isn't really just emotional reaction. This is a nervous system dysregulation on a global scale. You know, I talk about things astrologically. This is a big, big time on earth to be here. And so it is absolutely upsetting our nervous systems. And so widespread phenomenon, if you will, you know, it's largely driven by a combination of several things here. We've got high stress environments, I mean, really high stress. I mean, you know, gas is going up. I mean, that's something that will, you know, could get you really stressed up about the political landscapes. You know, it's a constant mind, like it's constantly changing. And then we have technological changes. You know, Cheryl, I just bought a new laptop. I was I had to be really big and brave to go to the Apple store to do that. You know, because what am I gonna have to learn and how much time do I have to learn it, you know? Right, right, right. Also, there's like unfortunately, there are reduced social support systems for many people right now, you know. And if we take you know, global events, just global events, we have you know massive shared traumas like natural disasters, war, okay, pandemics. I mean, you know, we did live through that, but God knows if it's coming back or anything like that. So it's a it's a really a big time uh for global dysregulation, and it affects mental health, it affects spiritual health, spiritual well-being, and then of course physical well-being.

SPEAKER_00 3:57

Right, right, right, absolutely. I mean, we're and we're living in a time where we're exposed to more information, more fear-based messaging, you know, more uncertainty than previous generations because it's it's so available to us. Yeah, well, it's on our phone. Well, absolutely. I mean, I used to scroll on Instagram just to get a little bit of comedic levity, you know, funny dog videos, funny cat videos, that kind of thing, a comedian here and there. Now I have to really purposely either keep scrolling or find that purposely, because otherwise I'm getting political stuff, I'm getting what's happening, and I'm getting it. And of course, I want to know, I want to be informed, but you really need to monitor that because too much of it, you don't realize how much it's getting in. In addition to that, the brain is constantly scanning for threat because we have that negativity bias. I'm sure I've talked about this before. You have, but could you talk a little bit about that scanning for threat? What does that mean? Yeah, yeah. Well, it means that that's how the species survived. We had to know where the threat was so we can avoid it, so we cannot walk into it. And so we had to be scanning for it all the time. The amygdala scans, like every, I can't even remember how every one second, you know, it's scanning for threat, scanning for threat. And so together with that negativity bias, you know, then we can really, really keep our nervous systems at high stress without even realizing it. You know, and when the system is overactivated, the body can't distinguish between perceived danger or actual danger, especially if you came from a very kind of what felt like a chaotic or dangerous childhood. We're in that fight or flight state all the time and we don't even realize it.

SPEAKER_01 5:40

My God, sure. And so today we're gonna talk about how to come back to to yourself. So it's not by escaping the world, although I'm sure many of us have thought about that. Um it's learning how to regulate within within this, and understanding dysregulation.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

Right, right. Because emotional regulation, you know, it's the ability to respond to experiences without becoming overwhelmed. I mean, we do become overwhelmed, but noticing that and finding ways to regulate ourselves, you know, and what it the dysregulation happens when the nervous system weren't moves into fight. Can you explain like what fight is, and then we'll go into them a little bit? Yeah, anything that overstates the nervous system.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Okay, the brain, the brain.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

It's a response. It's a response, it's an it's an adaptive response to to you know to save our lives. Everything is about survival, and so anything that overwhelms the nervous system, the brain, primitive part of the brain, so we have no control over it, will go into fight or flight. So it's an instant thing. It's an impulse. It's an impulse, it's an impulse that saved the species, that kept the species alive, right? So it comes from, you know, it's it's it's it's a primitive impulse. And so, and it can be categorized as as we've heard fight or flight, you know, fight is fighting back, you know, uh kicking, screaming, verbalization is part of the fight response. Let me ask you something. Is that a learned response or is that just how does this that just it just happens, you know, we don't do, we don't think. And so that's why it's so important to understand that that it these are impulses. We have the thinking part of the brain has gone offline and we have no control over this. So there's some people that you know that say, Well, this happened and I didn't do anything, I froze. And that's because the primitive part of the brain in that second assessed that freezing would keep you alive. And that's why some animals do that. Some animals exactly, exactly fake deaths. So it's not something we think because well, the other one is is flight, of course, taking off and running, okay, and then freeze a shutdown a numbness where you absolutely just don't respond. And I was working with this one woman who unfortunately got raped, and she said, I didn't fight back, I just froze, and she felt so bad and so guilty. You know, and then of course, unfortunately, many times there's judgment of other people, and and even when ourselves when we're hearing a story in the news, why didn't they get up and run or something? We need to understand and we need to trust that the brain is doing what it assesses in that moment that's gonna save, that's gonna keep the speak the person alive.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

So is that part of somebody's operating system? And and also on top of that, they're the traumas that they would have had in life that would put them in that sort of whatever position they were in for to cut have that response. Because some people do freeze, some people do have flight, they run, and some people fight. It's interesting to me. Who I've worked with a lot of clients at some point I can watch them freeze.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

Yeah, it's part of it's part of our temperament, but we tend to go a certain way. Like um, you know, I'll never forget when I was learning about this, I was reading an article, and um I've always, you know, I've always thought, oh, I wish I could just disappear and live in Tahiti forever, you know. And I used to have a very good friend of mine that would just say, I was so angry, I would just rip her face off, you know. And then I read in this article, if people are stuck on in flight, you might hear them say things like, I just want to disappear, I just want to go away, never come back. And it said, when some people are stuck in fight, they might say things like, and it literally quoted, I just want to tear her face off.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

Oh my god, I've heard so many people say, I just want to scalp them, or that I mean, like I've heard some unbelievable stories.

SPEAKER_00 9:40

And that means when we're stuck, that just means that we have some unhealed wounds. Yeah, and so the nervous system has gotten, you know, has some the impulse of fight or flight or even freeze. Right. And freeze could also bring numbness, right? All of a sudden you feel numb. Yeah, freeze is a shutdown, a numbness. So sometimes when um when I'll be working with someone with trauma, all of a sudden they just kind of go into this dissociated state. You know, what disassociated state looks like. Well, it it looks like you know, the body's there, but there's no one home. And again, it's a very adaptive.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

Great description.

SPEAKER_00 10:17

Yeah, yeah. It's very adaptive, it's protective. We need to, you know, we need to thank our brains for being so wise and doing what it needed to do to save ourselves from this, from whatever threat we were under. You know, when I work with people that are stuck in the freeze response, what they notice many times is I had this one woman that I was working with that felt cold tingling down her arms. And that let me know that the nervous system was releasing that freeze energy, that impulse.

unknown 10:48

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Yeah. Yeah. So these are survival responses. They're not personality flaws. It's an important thing, and there's no difference, there's no right or wrong. If if you tend to be more in the fight or be more in the flight, or even the freeze, there's no right or wrong. It's just the way your nervous system works.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

So it'd be interesting for people that are listening to this. If they can think of a situation that happened, did they freeze? Which what did they get into? Did they fight? I always tend to go into fight. Um, I think my name Kelly means uh warrior. So I think by design I just go into fight. And some people might again choose freeze. And it's not a as you mentioned, it's not a personality disorder. We're not talking about that.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

No, it's not a personality flaw. It's not that there's something wrong. Why didn't I fight back and I just took off running? I mean, I tend to to to veer more towards the the flight, but sometimes, but it doesn't mean that I won't get angry sometimes and yell and and and use that response. So you can vacillate between any oh yeah, oh yeah, absolutely, absolutely. You know, and and what cause chronic exposure to stress, uncertainty, fear-based messaging can keep the nervous system stuck in these states, right? And so it's important to notice that. And of course, we may not know, but we can feel. That's why the connection between mind and body is so important.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

Why is that true? More now more than ever. Yeah, really, really, because so many people they don't even realize that they're dysregulated.

SPEAKER_00 12:18

They don't sometimes, you know, I'll have someone sitting across from me and I'll notice their shoulders are here and they're talking like there's nothing going on. And I'll say, let's wait a minute. Let me invite you to lower your shoulders, and all of a sudden I see it. Even myself, if I'm, you know, lying in bed reading or something like that, all very consciously and very purposely tune into my body and may and notice where my shoulders are. Notice if I'm noticing my, you know, back of my legs against the bed, my back against the pillows if I'm sitting up, and really connect with the body to notice if there's any, you know, any stress points.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

Right. Wow. Well, so so many people that don't know that they're dysregulated. And I really specifically want to talk about empas because we have so many empaths that are watching the show and listening to this, and empaths feel everything. So empaths may be very dysregulated during this type uh this time period that we're in. Um but for everybody in empas, you might feel some of the signs to look for to see if you're dysregulated. You might feel tired. How many people have I heard? I'm so tired, I'm so tired. This energy is fierce, it's fierce, right? And it's irritable. So many people are irritable. Oh my gosh. And they're disconnected, so they disconnected. And also, Shirley, it's a big one, like on edge. Like, wait, because it's true. Like, you know, like when's the next text coming in that this happened or that happened, right? And as you pointed out, like this, our grandparents didn't live this way, you know. They had big ticket situations. This is a bombardment.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

Right, they weren't bombarded with it.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

No, they didn't. Some of them didn't even have phones.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Right, right. Or they saw the nightly news, so it was it was one, you know, maybe maybe an hour in the evening, and that was it. It was Walter Cronkite.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

It was easy, right? You know, um so uh and people are on edge or they're completely numb. So that's not who you are. It is not who you are, but that is your nervous system asking for support.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

Right, right. Yeah, I love the way that you're saying that because it is we need to we need to know what you know, the communication, what the body is communicating to the mind. So when we feel that, that is the nervous system, the body asking for support.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

Okay, and you know, we're currently living in what can be described as a fear amplified environment with everything, as you said, going on in the world. And I'd loved your take on from an astrological and just spiritual, you know, why now? I know you've said it before, but you know, my left brain always wants to understand, you know why this is.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

I can tell you, I mean, you know, we're so spiritually, this energy is set for growth. And a growth is where we feel our soul, our soul knows it's time to move and to to make decisions and to make some changes because our soul knows why we're here. We are specifically here to grow. So, what grows us very quickly is chaos. Chaos grows us quickly. It just does, and so being in the center of chaos is uh sometimes it's referred to as the eye of a storm. We've all heard that one before, but it holds uh profound spiritual significance because it represents a state of inner peace or spiritual maturity, and it's actually a direct invitation for transformation. So I I've mentioned this many, many times, but I worked with a guru, which I did back in the day, and um to taught me how to meditate. But the form of meditation was we had to be in, I don't care if it was Times Square, with all the stress around it to be able to go inward. So it really was unique, unique at that time. I I didn't understand it. I used to say, but isn't it easier to just go into a cave and meditate, go quietly and meditate? Because frankly, it is. Yeah, you would say there's no point to that. You have to be able to be um still even in chaos. And so what I'm what I'm about to say is not not to look at if you are dysregulated, but the goal here, there's a goal here, and then looking at this is not a sign of punishment, but being centered within the chaos often indicates a motor, um, a moment, if you will, of intense spiritual growth. And what do I mean by that? Yeah, it means where old structures fall apart that allow for new, more authentic creations to arise, and they call this the birthplace of new creation, and it is from chaos. So why now right? Why now? Chaos is seen actually spiritually as called the formless void, and that exists just before Cheryl, a new higher order or a new creation within occurs, so it's what we call a necessary clearing phase.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

Wow, okay. Well, I mean, I guess I can see that why it's why everything has converged, yeah. Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

Now that it's really set for this, yeah. Dysregulation.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

Right, right, because we've been kind of going from worse to, you know, what happens also is we can feel dysregulated when we don't feel safe. You know, anxiety isn't random, it's a response to a perceived lack of safety. And so when we don't feel safe, like in um in this sense of you know, government supposed to take care of us, or the world is supposed to be kind of a complex and and that kind of feels like a global sense of safety. When all of that is kind of going haywire, it's unraveling, it's unraveling right, then that can really affect us. And the important thing is that you know, emotions give us uh information. So, as I've said many times, to be curious about what am I noticing? Why am I feeling this way? Let me be curious about that. Because what emotions are, which can cause dysregulation also, is really I had a one of my teachers used to say, emotions are simply a dysregulated nervous system. You know, if we view it that way. And so what is that emotion communicating with us? If I'm sad, what am I sad about? What what felt hurtful? What uh if I'm angry, what crossed my boundary? And what, and therefore, then what might I need to do to feel safe again, to set a boundary to feel safe again?

SPEAKER_01 19:03

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:05

Because we're living in what would be described as a fear-amplified environment.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, with with as you know, as we've been saying, constant news cycles, social media, uh, and and there's an uncertainty about the future.

SPEAKER_02 19:20

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:21

You know, we see the gas prices going up, the the stock going down. I mean, we don't know the value of the dollar. I mean, that is all that's as you said before, it's not only just individual, it's global.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Well, it's global, and it it used to be, I guess my mother used to say, used to bees don't count anymore. But it's true. It used to be, you know, not that long ago, when it, you know, we only had to worry about this or this or this or this, which was always a lot of things. Right. But now it seems like it's it's a lot, and all of this sure, you know, keeps the brain as we talked about like in a heightened state of vigilance.

SPEAKER_00 19:57

Right, exactly, exactly. And so it's important also when you're noticing that is to not isolate. And it's easy to isolate scrolling through social media or something like that, but you're doing that alone. So it's very important to, you know, when they say misery loves company. I mean, I think that that that saying came because we feel more supported when we know that other people are going through something similar. It feels a little safer when we know that other people are going through the same thing. So it's very important in these times to find community. Yeah, it is to find to find people who can kind of share in. That's why the support groups, like greeting support groups, are so wonderful because everybody is experiencing a similar thing and there's community there, and you can feel seen and heard and understood at a level that that uh that can feel safe, even though you're going through, you know, right through a difficult time. And that also includes kind of this global uncertainty that we're going through now.

SPEAKER_01 21:02

Right. Because uh energetically, when we talk about that, you know, James has always talked about there's there are two emotions or that fear and love, yeah, spiritually, and so but energetically, fear spreads, yeah. And so, you know, an empath out there, you know this one. You can walk into a room um and feel the the energy immediately. You can walk anywhere and you feel the energy, right? Yeah, and uh it it and but here's the truth with that, it doesn't mean that fear is present, or if just because fear is present, I should say, it doesn't mean that it belongs to you. And I always say, is this mine? Like if I start to feel anxiety or something coming up, or fear or any of that, I'll go, who does this belong to? As an empath, as a median, uh as a therapist, it's a good thing to do. Is this belong to me? Who is this about this person? Is this about this person in my life? What's going on? So I've really learned to. Differentiate between what is mine and what's not mine.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

You know, I love that you're saying that, Kel, because it is so, so important. So many people who aren't aware of their own stuff, you know, just because they're not, it's many times project what's going on with them onto you. Right. So anytime that someone accuses you of something or someone says something and you're going, oh, like it doesn't resonate with you. Right. That might be what they're feeling, but they're not aware of it. It's very difficult for them to be aware of it and they're projecting on. So so it's really important to assess, does this belong to me or not? And if it doesn't, give it back to the person, not in a you know, not in a mean way, but just say this doesn't belong to me. I'm gonna give this back.

SPEAKER_01 22:44

Yeah, that's very true, Shirley. I mean, it's it's very true. So let's talk about uh regulation beginning in the body.

SPEAKER_00 22:52

Mm-hmm. Well, because that's where you know the the thinking can't regulate our body, because otherwise our you know, our professions wouldn't exist. If people can think their way into calmness, or if people can think their way into you know, into being okay, then everybody would do it. Right. Right. So really what we need to work on is the connection with the body. You know, that's where and I don't know if I I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but the vagus nerve connects the brain to the body, you know, to all the organs, the heart, the viscera. The communication that happens is 20% goes from brain to body. Okay. Only 20%, 80% of the communication goes from body to brain. So when you tell yourself relax, it's only a 20% signal strength. But if you very purposely relax your body, that's an 80% you know, signal strength that your body is saying to the brain, we're good, we're safe, and then the whole system can relax. That's why it's so important to have that connection with the body. And if you don't know if you're anxious, then there's an exercise that you can do where you exaggerate the movement. So exaggerate this. Notice what that feels like, and then slowly come back. And many times, just like I did, your body will just take a spontaneous deep breath. You know, um there are evidence-based tools on how to regulate the body. You know, grounding is a very important place because it immediately puts you into the body. So that's noticing your feet on the ground. I think I'm I said when I first started to learn that, you know, I would just put a post-it on the corner of my computer that said feet. So it would, every time I looked at it, I it it reminded me to notice my feet. And the more I did that, the more I noticed my feet, the more I was connected because the body senses things seconds before the brain is aware of it. So many times I'll remember being connected with the body, and I'll notice my stomach tense up without even realizing why. And I'll notice, why did my stomach just tense up? Oh, you know, I had a thought, or I had, or something, you know, I remembered something, something triggered a memory. So that connection is so important to be able to give us that time, that split second of time to notice that and use a regulation tool so we're not reacting. You know, so we can choose a response as opposed to reactions. You know, there's uh there's wonderful um grounding techniques on YouTube because we can ground through the five senses. So sensory is noting your feet on the ground, auditory is noticing the noises around you, the sound of my voice, the sound of you know, the atmosphere around you, if you're by a busy street, the sound of the cars, visual grounding, just noticing things around you, the slower that you move these muscles, this is the orienting response. So when you're grounding, you look around the room. And you know, when animals, right, when they hear a noise, what do they start doing? They look around because they're orienting to see where the danger is. Right. So when you're feeling very dysregulated, a quick tool is, you know, that I've done in my office when people are talking about something that really, really is upsetting to them. I'll go, oh hey, find five pink things. And I know I don't have a lot of pink in my office. So they have to engage their thinking brain to do that, and that pulls them out, you know. So when people are at home, I just notice, you know, I'm looking at a window. Look at how many different trees, the different shades of green. Or what things do I notice on my walls? That's another way. Um, there's also our sensory taste. What am I tasting? Grounding through taste. Well, right now. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. Right. So right now I'm not eating anything, and so I'm just there's no taste in my mouth, right? So so that's a really important tool is grounding yourself. And if you only have a minute to do it, just notice your feet. And give us a breathing exercise if somebody is dysregulated. The breathing, you know, what I learned, and this made and this really, really kind of changed things for me is the in-breath stimulates the sympathetic nervous system, and that's the active part of our nervous system. The outbreath stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the resting part of the nervous system. So that's why they have the different counts. Okay. So you breathe in at a count of let's say four, you hold it for let's say a count of five, and you breathe out for a count of eight. And so the long leaving out, right, because that is stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system, and that will calm, you know. Um, naming your emotions. Wow, I'm feeling angry right now. That's a wonderful way because it kind of puts you a little bit separate from them, you know. And there's a very well-known saying in the neural uh the neurology world, name it to tame it. For some reason, when we can name our emotions, the intensity of them can come down. Isn't that interesting? So interesting. And Tit Nathan used to give this wonderful thing because the energy of anger is running through me right now. So it also separated you from your anger. You weren't the anger, you just noticed the energy of sadness is running through me right now.

SPEAKER_01 28:50

Oh, I love that.

SPEAKER_00 28:52

Another wonderful way to kind of um separate yourself from the emotion that, in all fairness, you're noticing, but you don't have to react to it. It doesn't have to take over.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

Well, and from a spiritual perspective, regulation is about returning to center. So you'll you know often hear, you know, I'm gonna return to center. Yeah, and some of those practices might be placing your hand on your heart.

SPEAKER_00 29:15

Another wonderful one, yes.

SPEAKER_01 29:16

Is that a somatic one too, Cheryl? Yes, yes, yeah, it's it's a good one too. I mean, I love how the psychology and the spirituality can blend together, you know. Um, sitting in stillness without distraction. If you can do that, that's a wonderful place to self-regulate, you know. Stepping outside and reconnecting to nature. I had a real interesting day today because I was in the middle of Shirley and I are writing a book, and I'm in you know, the middle of you know, really heavy duty focus in this book. And um I looked out my window. I don't know what made me do it at that exact moment, Shirley, but I looked out this window and I saw the largest bird that I've had in the front, and it was giant. So I think happened to be here, and I said, Do you see that? She said, Oh my gosh. I said, What is it? We both stared because I thought it was a duck. I didn't, it was so large. It was actually a I don't I think it's called like a giant bluebird. It was a giant bluebird because we saw him fly away with the wings and everything. But I have to tell you, that reconnecting in the moment, yeah, it it did something. It was like, oh, okay, you know, like it gives you new energy, it gives you a refresh. It discharges the computer system on some level. You know, it's like, ooh, here we go.

SPEAKER_00 30:32

You know, it's it's it's wonderful that you're saying that because it kind of reconnects the brain. We're not just regulated, we're really coming from the limbic system, you know, the emotional part of the brain, and literally the thinking part of the brain goes offline. So that noticing the bird uses the thinking part of the brain because you had to identify, oh, it's a bird. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:51

Of course, you had to look up the totem, you know.

SPEAKER_00 30:53

Of course, of course, and it but it reconnects the brain.

SPEAKER_01 30:57

Totally. Yeah, it felt it was like it gave me this like I had a cup of tea or something. You know, it was like oh must I'll be thinking about that bird forever. I took a picture of it, but it just doesn't do it justice.

SPEAKER_00 31:07

So, what was the message?

SPEAKER_01 31:09

Basically, um, about speaking your truth. It was about all about speaking your truth. Wow, okay, you know, and uh I thought that was true. So, again, stepping outside with nature, and then here's a great one spiritually asking this, and I think and it's the same with in with uh psychology. Is this mine? Like, is this whose is this? Is this mine? So, one of the things that I always talk about to return to a um a spiritual center is meditation. Now, I've often said that meditating, the reason I think it's so important over and over and over, is it trains the mind, it calms the body, but it it trains us, it slows the brain down enough to make good choices moving forward. But also, equally as important, it helps to connect to your higher self or source. And what's important about connecting to source, particularly in chaos, if we view chaos as a very strong place for transformation, and then it's a design, it's designed to help us change, the meditation would be the the best thing for this. And also with I would say this about chaos, it's kind of viewed spiritually as a test, if you will, that kind of reveals the strength of your faith. And I don't mean religious faith, I'm not talking about that. It's it's really your capacity for a spiritual and emotional and psychological growth. How much can you take? Now, there are times that I say, I okay, I'm done, I cannot take anymore. And I turn off, I sit in front of my fireplace, I pet my dog, and I'll have a glass of wine or uh martini, something anyway, whatever, or not, or have a cup of tea. And I just sit and I just John will say, What are you doing? And I'll say, Nothing. Because I think it's really important because you have to remember that not everything that you feel is yours to carry.

SPEAKER_00 33:09

Right, exactly. And not everything that you feel has to stick with you. You can notice it and then know that it'll pass also. There's if when we were talking about different somatic exercises, there's one where you put one hand here and one hand behind. Well, now tell me about that. You hold yourself like this. Okay. You know, it's just it could just be very calming because you're putting one hand in the kind of the primitive the the base of your brain, and one hand here. There's another one where when you're having big emotions, you can do this. And it feels like you're being held while you're having these big emotions. That's a really helpful thing.

SPEAKER_01 33:49

So, like literally taking care of yourself.

SPEAKER_00 33:51

Exactly, exactly. Not about shutting down the emotion. One of the one of the most beautiful gifts we can give ourselves and gift our kids is learning how to sit in the uncomfortable emotions. Yeah, and these somatic tools, you know, hand here, can help us get through that moment. You know, it's it's like, yeah, I've always compared it to many people have like riding a wave. Yeah, you know, sometimes it feels like a tsunami, but waves always pass.

unknown 34:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:20

Can you talk about those pillows too? The ones that filled with, I don't know, buckwheat or something in them that are very comforting if you're dregulated.

SPEAKER_00 34:29

Well, they're like they're like a weighted uh blanket. Okay. You know, it's just one of my uh one of my teachers created them. Uh, if you go to um neuroaffectivetouch.com, I think it is, maybe Jared, if you can find that, and you can buy the pillows there. There's different shapes. You can put them in the microwave, and when you're having a difficult time, you can just sit it on you. That weight can help. You can use, I mean, I've had people use a bag of beans, you know, or a bag of rice and just put it on you. That's why the weighted blankets work so well for some, you know, especially when we're feeling a lot of anxiety or a lot of emotions, we have a hard time feeling our body. So sometimes another another nice thing to do is to just tap down your arms, your legs, your body so you can feel yourself.

SPEAKER_01 35:19

Yeah, that's a good one too. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, my and and and mindfulness is also another beautiful thing. And mindfulness is not about escaping reality, it's about increasing tolerance for the present moment. You know, I went to uh to a mindfulness um uh teacher once, and it was so funny. He was so sweet. He actually taught mindfulness at USC. Thin, thin, thin little guy. And he said, he put us in a meditation, and he said, and now notice your body. And I was feeling incredibly anxious. And I'm thinking to myself, why are you feeling anxious if you're in a meditation? And he goes, and ask yourself, can I be okay with what I'm noticing in this moment? And I thought to myself, no, I can't, I'm feeling anxious. What the hell? And he said, and if not, ask yourself, can I be okay with not being okay with what I'm noticing in this moment? The key was being okay with whatever was happening in that moment. And that is kind of at the core of mindfulness.

SPEAKER_01 36:26

Exactly, Shirley. You know, giving yourself permission, it's okay.

SPEAKER_00 36:30

Right, right, right. Right now I'm feeling very angry. Right now I'm feeling judgmental against someone. Right now I'm feeling so you're naming it, you're acknowledging it, you're validating it. That doesn't mean you have to respond to it or react to it.

SPEAKER_02 36:44

Right.

SPEAKER_00 36:45

Yeah, yeah. My I sometimes I practice like mindfulness dishwashing. So you're just really noticing the water. There's also I did with actually did at UCLA many, many years ago with Tit Nathan, mindfulness walking. What was that like? And it was wonderful. It was a silent walking meditation, and it was just we did it for an hour all through the UCLA campus, and it when you're noticing your steps, you're noticing the sounds, you're noticing the trees. Just being very mindful of what you're doing in this moment. We can even you know invite people that are watching. Just if you're sitting down, notice notice the back of your legs on the seat that you're sitting in. Notice if you're on a couch, notice the pillow, you know, pillow couches. Notice how the chair or the couch holds your body in that seated position. You know, just really tools to put you in the here and now.

SPEAKER_01 37:53

So, Shirley, I have a question for you because I'm getting a lot of this, and people ask me often with this. Instead of some people go right into psych medication if they're too overwhelmed or they're whatever. What do you think? Do you think it I mean that instead of maybe direct it's not instead of, but even if somebody's on different meds, they can still um start to learn about just uh reorganizing their own states of mind, right?

SPEAKER_00 38:20

Absolutely, absolutely. I'm not against medication. They were, you know, they're created for a reason, they can be very helpful. And sometimes if you're if your brain, there's there's I can't remember now, like 700 trillion connections in the brain that have to all work smoothly to, you know, so we can feel okay. And sometimes the brain needs a little bit of help to regulate the neural, you know, the neural neuronic connections. And so it has a however I've also met people who with when they come from a lot of dysregulation, a lot of chaos, a lot of trauma with years of somatic therapy that rewires the brain. So they've little by little been able to get off their medication, you know, but increasing the mindfulness, increasing tolerance for the present moment, you know, the the research shows that it can reduce stress hormones.

unknown 39:12

Right.

SPEAKER_00 39:12

Sometimes we're taking medication because we're so stressed, it improves emotional regulation, you know, it strengthen the prefrontal cortex connection, with which is the thinking part of the brain, right? Decreases reactivity, and that's something sometimes what medication can do. You've taught me about homeopathic medication. When someone comes to my office and is considering medication, if they're open to it, I will usually, you know, um invite them to see a homeopath just to see what happens. And if that helps, then wonderful. And if it doesn't, sometimes, however, I'll see someone who is so incredibly anxious, I can't work with them at a deeper level because I'm just trying to keep their head above water. So in those cases, I've suggested medication. Right.

SPEAKER_01 40:03

And that is very true.

SPEAKER_00 40:05

It always depending on what the circumstances, what's going on. Right, right. So we can go deeper, and then many times they start to taper off their medication. And sometimes people take medication for life, and that is, you know, and that's a necessary thing, and that's okay too. Right.

SPEAKER_01 40:22

I mean, absolutely, some people absolutely need it, you know. Yeah. So that that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 40:27

And I appreciate you, you know, answering your brain and it makes you feel. I remember I was working with this uh police officer once, and he was so anxious, and I suggested medication. He was so resistant because you know, he's not going to take medication. Years later, he thanked me. He said, if it weren't for that, I wouldn't have enjoyed or I would have missed out on so many things. And he just took it, and I call it a uh vitamin for the brain. Yeah. And it didn't give him any other side effects or anything, which is something to also look for, but he said it changed my life.

SPEAKER_01 41:02

Right. I've heard that too, sure. So true. Everybody is so unique, whatever they're going through. Right, right, right. And no judgment, no judgment. Right, right. You know, and you know, again, when we talk about mindfulness, you know, it's not perfection, and none of this is trying to be perfection, it's just trying to be in the presence. Um, and even as we mentioned, a conscious breath can interrupt some sort of a stress cycle that you're having. In fact, actually, really our show is about being mindful, just paying attention to where you are at at the moment, what's going on with you. You know, because it really at any moment you that meant uh awareness can shift at any at any possible time.

SPEAKER_00 41:46

Exactly, exactly. And so so going with it, being in tune with the body, and you know, noticing when there's that shift to go, oh, what just happened, and to be ahead of it. You know, we talk about control sometimes, you know, is a four-letter word, but I want to be in control of my emotions. I don't want them to control me, you know, and by control, I don't mean suppress or repress them, but I want to know when I'm feeling angry or stressed out or anxious and notice them so then I can then do use all my tools, right? You know, to help myself through that moment as opposed to the emotion controlling me, and if I'm angry, I lose it, you know. And and listen, I still do once in a while. We're human. So just because we, you know, you like you and I have all these wonderful tools doesn't mean that we're able to use them at all times and we never have a human moment. So I just want to make that clear.

SPEAKER_01 42:43

Exactly. Well, talk about suppression first for a moment. That some people, their family systems were suppressed. Mother was suppressed, father was suppressed. They didn't talk about their emotions. And so for people out there that are that have had that background, yeah, I you know really notice what you need to talk about or what needs to come up for you.

SPEAKER_00 43:03

Absolutely. We don't get taught that. I mean, I certainly didn't. Whenever I was having an emotion, my mother would say, change your face because she didn't mind it. Yeah, like if I was angry or if I was sad or whatever, change your face.

SPEAKER_01 43:14

Change your face. My mom used to say, put on blush and lipstick. Change your face.

SPEAKER_00 43:20

Yeah, like to mean your facial expression. So I always need to be okay. Oh, totally. And again, I'm not, you know, I've worked with I've worked through my anger of that. So now I can just see her as she just didn't know. She didn't have the tools. And unfortunately, until I did my work, I unfortunately didn't have the tools to help my daughter through emotions. And really, all emotions need is just to be validated. You know, wow, honey, I see how angry you are. You know, or a kid made fun of me at school. Oh, that must have hurt your feelings, as opposed to, well, you know, it doesn't matter, ignore them because they're dumb. You know, we we try to that's a way of suppressing feelings, right?

SPEAKER_01 44:03

I I told you what Lulu said to me when I was I was back in Texas with my granddaughter, and she said, I said, Come on, Lulu, we gotta hurry up, we gotta go, we gotta go, we gotta, you know, we gotta run because uh, you know, get your stuff, we got a lot of things to do. And she goes, Gigi, stop, you're pressuring me. And I was like, Oh my god. That is I guess I am. I meant, hurry up, we gotta go.

SPEAKER_00 44:27

That is so funny. And I love that she feels safe enough with you to have a voice. I think with anybody, she's gonna have a voice. Oh, yeah, with anybody, but that's because that's what she was taught at home. I mean, holiday, your daughter's doing just such a great job with the kids, you know, really getting them in touch with their emotions and right.

SPEAKER_01 44:45

I mean, really, it was we I wasn't taught any of that. We would just go right to explode.

SPEAKER_00 44:50

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And you know, a lot of people feel that if I if I name the emotion, whether it's to myself or to my child, I make it worse. Ah, I'm indulging it, right? And while it feels counterintuitive, the exact opposite is true. When I name my emotion, wow, I'm feeling really angry right now, it kind of lessens its intensity. I remember I was I had shared a f with a friend of mine who had a four-year-old son, and he was talking about the kids' kid had said something mean. And he said, Oh, I can see that that makes you so sad, and that made you angry. And he goes, and all of a sudden the kid just kind of looks at him and go, It did, dad. And he grabbed his little face and then he turned around and fell asleep. Oh my god. Something about feeling seen and feeling validated instead of going into well, don't worry about it, they don't mean anything. They, you know, right the feeling is still there, and there becomes so it gets it gets more intensified.

SPEAKER_01 45:56

Right, and it's not just with little kids, it's with adults, it's in a marriage, it's in all kinds of things.

SPEAKER_00 46:03

Absolutely, absolutely. There's such a difference between when someone says, you know, this hurt my feelings. Um, what you did made me angry. Wow, I'm really sorry that that hurt your feelings. All of a sudden, done. As opposed to, well, but you know, I didn't mean it. Or what about when you did, you know, that just revs everything up and you know, at the core of attachment is feeling seen by someone that feels so safe. Yeah, and safety is what we're talking about with dysregulation in a world that has unfeeling unsafe. Absolutely, absolutely. And and it doesn't mean just because we're at a time right now we're feeling more dysregulated, it doesn't mean a nervous system is broken. Right. You know, there's there's nothing wrong with this. It's it's doing exactly it's responding exactly what it was designed to do.

SPEAKER_02 46:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:54

You know, um, but we can also retrain it in a sense where we can also notice what we're noticing and have tools to help also calm it down. And it's gonna go like this. Don't think that if this minute you're calm, but then the next minute you're dysregulated again. Oh, that didn't work. Oh, it did in that moment. You stimulated different parts of your brain, the calm parts of your brain, even if in the next moment you're dysregulated again.

SPEAKER_01 47:20

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 47:22

One moment doesn't deny, doesn't you know, erase the moment before.

SPEAKER_01 47:26

That is so, so true, Shirley, because you are allowed to feel, okay? You're absolutely it is as important to accept your own emotions than anything, you know, but you're not meant to live in constant survival mode, especially spiritually. And that's why we always say that you know, you go in, you get centered. Yeah, the world is gonna shake, it's gonna do all kinds of things here. And but we can do it. We wanted to be here at this time.

SPEAKER_00 47:56

We can do this, we can do this, absolutely, and even you know, find what works for you because even at times, like when I when I scroll through Instagram or something, I very consciously go, okay, right now I'm gonna just tune out for the from the world and scroll for five minutes. And I, you know, I tend to get a little bored, so I don't do it for a lot, but sometimes it'll be 10 minutes have gone by and I've done it. But I very consciously say, I'm going to disconnect right now and just do something like this.

SPEAKER_01 48:23

And then you as consciously you connect again. Right, exactly. And you might call a friend, you might, you might uh again go out outside. You there's all kinds of things that you can do to regulate your system.

SPEAKER_00 48:39

Exactly. Notice what works for you. Connecting with a friend is really important, even just calling and saying, Hey, I needed to connect or I needed to to talk to someone.

SPEAKER_01 48:47

I just need to hear your voice.

SPEAKER_00 48:49

Exactly, exactly. What you always talk about, walking in nature.

SPEAKER_01 48:54

Yeah, I think it's it's really important, you know, because regulation, Cheryl, is not control, it is safety.

SPEAKER_00 49:03

Absolutely. It's about getting through moments that feel threatening, that feel scary, that feel overwhelming. These are wonderful tools to have because we're gonna have those moments, both from a personal standpoint in our lives and as we're experiencing now from a global standpoint. Right.

SPEAKER_01 49:22

And you know, and I want to say something too uh about grief and loss, because a lot of people have had grief and loss, and perhaps one of the people, the one of the persons that passed away maybe uh kept them safe. Do you know all of a sudden they're not safe any longer, they don't feel safe.

SPEAKER_00 49:39

Right.

SPEAKER_01 49:39

That's a big trigger there. That's a big trigger for people that um have are in grief that don't have that maybe that safety net that they had before. You know, that's so we're seeing all kinds of things, but I think everything that we talked about, Shirley, is all all everything that people can do to help regulate, you know, ask for help if you need help. Go out and get some help. You can do that.

SPEAKER_00 50:03

Absolutely, and don't isolate. We have a huge tendency to isolate when we're going through things. You know, spending time alone is important, but balance it with reaching out, with connecting.

SPEAKER_01 50:16

You know, I have to mention somebody said, uh, is this the real meaning of take the road less traveled? Which I've always loved that. Thank you. Because I've always loved taking the road less traveled. I love that idea of it. And the question is, you know, does that mean connect with your feelings rather than ignore or suppress them? Yes, because if you have not done this and you have suppressed, then this would be the road in this lifetime that you're going to take that's that's been less traveled. Do it. And also it's really something that you do that you do for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 50:48

Absolutely. Because you know, understanding that emotions are energy, and the energy doesn't just disappear because we decide to suppress it or not acknowledge it.

SPEAKER_02 50:57

Right.

SPEAKER_00 50:57

And all that energy needs is just acknowledgement.

SPEAKER_02 51:00

Right.

SPEAKER_00 51:01

Just because we acknowledge or validate I'm angry right now doesn't mean I have to react in an angry way. You know, the two are very separate. How we feel emotionally and validating that to how we behave or react are two very different things. Right. You know, a lot of people are afraid that if I get in touch with example, with my anger, with my sadness, it's gonna grow and I'm gonna feel that all the time. And again, the exact opposite is true. When we when we validate it, it can dissipate, it can go.

SPEAKER_01 51:31

Yeah, yeah. You know, it's it's very true. You know, Shirley, um, it's interesting because when I lost my mom, it was very, very hard for me because she had been the one that was my touchstone, if you will. She was everybody's touchstone, I think. She really was right, she was such a grounder. That was such a it's such a big one. So when you've had big loss, everybody, please take care of yourself because grief is grief. And and so you and you might feel really lost at the time, but you know, just hold on, just hold on with that. Because um, you know, grief just comes in waves. And Shirley and I just did a show last week on grief, but we have an interesting next week, Shirley. We've got tell everybody what we're gonna be talking about next week. Because it's kind of next week, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:19

It's the inner child and shadow work. We all have an inner child inside of us, yeah, that lives with us, whether we, you know, notice it or not. And we all have a shadow side, which Carl Jung talked about, you know, the side that we feel shame about. Sometimes it's so repressed that it's even hidden from ourselves. A lot of times we know it's there, but we keep it hidden because it brings up a lot of shame.

SPEAKER_01 52:48

Wow, it's gonna be a really interesting discussion.

SPEAKER_00 52:51

Yeah, but self-uh, you know, to get to know ourselves even at deeper levels.

SPEAKER_01 52:56

And I think that's the point of the work that we do, surely, is we want everybody to learn everything they can possibly about themselves. Everybody learn about yourself, you know, take away something from today that helps you be mindful, it helps you to get through these very challenging uh times, but also for your spiritual growth. You've come, this is why you're here on earth at this time. So we're offering some really good tools here.

SPEAKER_00 53:21

Yeah, and also to make sense of yourself. I'll never forget when I learned about like attachment and what my attachment was. I thought, oh, I make sense. Right, because many times we're left with what's wrong with me. Right. There may be things that we want to change about ourselves that we would we want to shift and understand. Yeah, but but understanding yourself through learning these different facets of who we are, you know, takes away the judgment, takes away the what's wrong with me.

SPEAKER_01 53:51

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You know, and surely you and I have a show coming up, a few shows from now, but we have a show coming up about insight, doesn't always lead to change.

unknown 54:01

Right.

SPEAKER_01 54:02

So something to think about, everybody.

SPEAKER_00 54:04

We have lots of good topics. Yeah, your mother taught me that a long time ago. Just because we have the insight doesn't mean that we change. That's different. We need insight in order to be able to change because what we don't know, we're not gonna, we can't do anything about, but in and of itself, doesn't it? I remember when your mom said that, my brain was oh, because it's a different part of the brain.

SPEAKER_01 54:24

Insight, the light goes on, ooh, but then to make a change, you you actually have to do the work to make a change. Right, exactly. But but I understand it. Okay, well, now do something about it.

unknown 54:38

Right.

SPEAKER_01 54:39

I think that's so funny. Oh my gosh. Well, Shirley, great show. And I look forward to seeing everybody Thursday with me with Ask Me Anything. I'll be talking about the Vedic astrology for April of 2026. Oh, wow, that'll be great. Happy Passover, everybody, for tomorrow.

SPEAKER_00 54:55

That's right. Happy Passover. Have a wonderful rest of your evening.

SPEAKER_01 54:59

I'll see you next week, everybody. Bye, Shirley. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye.